What if?

What if I just ate normally?

Since going back to SW, I have been stuck in a binging cycle, obsessing over food, obsessing over my size and what i can and can’t eat. I don’t have foods I love (healthy ones) because they don’t fit with the plan, and then when I’m “off plan”, I don’t eat them because I’m too busy binging on crap.

By healthy foods I love, I mean things like M+S salad pots, avocado, nuts, pasta and sauces, nakd bars. Things I binge on are: biscuits, bread, hot cross buns, chocolate, crisps, humous.

I met with a friend at the beginning of the week. She’s about a size 10. Her sister is doing WW and my friend’s been getting annoyed at her sister for talking about points etc. all the time. My friend totally doesn’t “get” it – I was trying to explain to her that to her sister, the “normal” way she eats is a complete mystery. My friend said something like “well I move lots [goes to the gym 3 x per week], don’t eat much processed food and eat lots of vegetables”, and she said that she couldn’t eat pizza more than once a week (we were having pizza) because she’d put on weight. I also know she eats two snacks a day at work (from a graze box) and has things like oats so simple for breakfast.

You know what? My brain is so messed up, that at the same time as thinking “wow, she has such a normal relationship with food. i want that more than anything”, I was going “what does she eat? I need to know. I’ll eat the same stuff”.

I don’t even understand what “normal” people eat. What is a reasonable breakfast? What does lunch look like? Are snacks at work normal? Do they have treats? Do they use oil when they cook?

Unfortunately I think reading lots of blogs may have broken my brain a bit. Not that I had a clue before, but I read so many by such very different eaters that i don’t know what is “normal”.

But I guess it’s not about other people. It’s about me. What would be normal for me? And that’s what would keep me full for a few hours, and sane, and happy, and healthy.

I can’t imagine eating without binging. I can’t imagine having one jammy dodger and, knowing that i can eat them whenever I like because dieting is over, put the rest back.

I don’t think i can do SW anymore. Oh shit, my friend is going to be so let down. I don’t know how I’ll tell her. But all I know is I’m miserable at the minute. And i’m 27. I don’t want to be in this ridiculous cycle in 10 years. I don’t want to feel like this when I have kids. I don’t want to pass this shit on to my kids. I don’t want to be secretly binging in the car.

I want…

– To eat one biscuit and put them away

– To have satisfying meals and feel content after them

– To eat normally. Normal amounts of marg on toast, normal attitude to a packet of biscuits, stop eating when full, don’t eat if not hungry

– to think about food less. that would be wonderful. calm, even.

– to not binge. it’s such a destructive and vicious cycle. If I don’t diet, I won’t binge. Imagine that, a life without binging. it’s so tiring, this cycle.

What now?

I don’t know. I’m still mulling this over. I need to re-read intuitive eating, and I’m going to read women food and god. Also Christie’s website, and any others i can find.

I also need to buy a journal so I can write all about moods, hunger levels etc.

The thing is, I’ve never eaten normally. From age 11 I was not eating “normally”. I don’t even know how it looks. This shit is really scary. But the thought of dieting and binging for the rest of my life is probably scarier.

I need to tell my SW friend. But it’s just not that simple. I need to think about what to do.

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Frack

I couldn’t think of another post title.

I wrote this yesterday morning…

OK, new day. Unfortunately I woke up feeling sad and had a bit of a cry in the car this morning. But I just have to get on with it. I have to make this a good week and hope that the scales reward me appropriately. There’s no other option really is there? And I do think I’m a tiny bit smaller. My work trousers feel a bit looser.

Breakfast:

Green smoothie – frozen spinach, banana, light soya milk (heA)

Snack:

Fruit salad

Lunch:

Salad box from covered market (heB x 2 for oil and seeds)

Tea:

Jacket pot and beans

And I did that, foodwise, until after tea. And I went to the gym after work! And then it went wrong. Chocolate covered marzipan, toast, a crumpet and some homemade muffins from the freezer. Stupid stuff, with lots of margarine. No need for any of it. I felt shit as I ate it and I felt worse after.

Today….

Went to the gym this morning, at 8am. And that was good but I’ve been “off plan” all day. Not bingey, but not normal eating. Porridge and one crumpet for breakfast, jacket pot with marg and beans for lunch, 3 slices of toast with jam for tea. Biscuits and tea in between.

I’ve said it before, but exercise is so good for my mental health. Even if my eating doesn’t go according to plan, the gym makes me feel good. Hence my decision to go tomorrow morning. It won’t erase silly food behaviour, but it will make me feel a bit better.

OK, at least this silliness is at the beginning of my slimming world week, which means I can try to make up for it by thursday and hopefully not get super stressed about weigh in.

Plans!

Sun: gym, green smoothie, baked beans and veggie sausages, fruit ryvitas, brocolli cheez (this sauce), and make something beany for work lunches

Mon: gym, green smoothie, beany something for lunch,  possibly eating out for tea in which case salad, or otherwise beans and veggie sausages

Tue: gym, green smoothie, beany something for lunch, seeing friends after work, something quick for tea like cereal?

I just need to snap out of it, and get back to the mindset I had last week. It felt good, and in control, and normal. I think I am out of the crazy now. It’s TOTM on tuesday so hopefully that won’t knock me off balance too much – I always end up feeling a bit bloaty. I just need to remember how ace 12.4 felt, and how good I’ll feel if I could be that, or even a bit smaller for our holiday in May, and how much easier life is when thursdays aren’t the most stressful day ever, and food isn’t the enemy.

Exercise plan for this week

Mon – gym before work

Tue – gym before work

Wed – Yoga

Thur – None (SW)

Fri – gym before work

Sat – gym in the morning

Sun – yoga in the evening

Exercise – what I did

Mon: No exercise – Yep, gave blood

Tue: Possibly the Oxford Vegans meeting, if they end up holding it on that day. In which case I’ll go to the gym before work. Went after work

Wed: Yoga class Yep, was great

Thur: SW

Fri: Gym before work Went after work

Sat: Gym in the morning Yep

Sun: Yoga at home – think I’m going to go to the gym instead

I got weighed

Latte with caramel syrup (heA + 4)

Banana

Apple

Nakd bar – berry (heB)

20 cashews (heB)

I got weighed. First week in ages of being sensible, went to the gym 4 times, yoga once, stayed within syns, walked lots.

Lost half a pound.

Are you fracking kidding me? Bollocks. I feel pretty cheated actually. And it’s not the best situation, exercise lots, eat well, lose a pathetic amount of weight. I deserve more than that. And the silly thing is, before I got weighed, I was fairly convinced I’d have lost about 2 pounds, and I was feeling good. But then I lost half a pound and now I’m in a right grump. And I binged. I could pretend it was “indulging” but it wasn’t. Eating a vegetable samosa really quickly while driving home and then being paranoid about having samosa breath which might be noticed by your partner? That’s not normal. Then at home, another samosa, humous, pittas, half a small packet of crisps and 6 jammy dodgers. I guess the stuff I had at home could count as indulgence, it was the car which was crazy behaviour.

Ho hum. Onward. I guess I just need to get on with it, and get back on it and not lose the plot any more. I need to go to weigh-in next week knowing I deserve to lose weight. Maybe I’ll try and have 5-8 syns per day.

Here’s a couple of positives:

  • I ate today. Not loads, but some. I’m feeling good about that. Over time I will build up to eating breakfast and lunch (even if it’s cereal and salad), but for the time being, what I had today is huge progress.
  • It was lovely going to SW knowing that I deserved to lose weight. I was nervous while in the queue, but not deep down dreading it.
  • I got into lotus pose at yoga last night. And after yoga I felt amazing. Alive.

Plan for this week:

  • 5-8 syns per day
  • Gym lots, and do yoga at home once
  • Green smoothies for breakfasts
  • Jacket potatoes for tea

It is tough working so hard all week and not being rewarded with weight loss. But no-one said losing weight was easy did they? I just have to keep working at it and not give up.

Wed 9th March

Breakfast:

Chai latte (4+heA)

Snack:

Banana + apple, and a tea with agave (0.5)

Lunch:

M+S super wholefood salad (heB for oil)

Snack:

Fruit salad

Tea:

Baked beans on toast (heB)

4 jammy dodgers (16)

  • Walked 1 way (Seacourt)
  • Yoga (1.5 hrs)
  • Syns: 20.5

Tue 8th March

Breakfast:

Tea with agave (0.5), cocoa nakd bar [heB], banana

Snack:

Fruit salad, tea with agave x 2 (1), 5 almonds and 10 cashews (heB)

Lunch:

Bean chilli and an orange

Snack:

Apple, tea with sugar (1)

Tea:

2 wicken fen sausages (5), 1 potato waffle (3.5), baked beans

Snack:

Tea with agave (0.5) and 4 jammie dodgers (16)

  • Usual walk, both ways (Seacourt)
  • Gym – 20 mins cycle and 20 mins cross trainer
  • Syns: 27.5
  • Total syns for the week so far: 84.5

This whole scale rejection thing is quite difficult!! I had a really strong urge to weigh myself this morning! But I know that whatever it said, it would mess me up. And this is day 5 of being “on plan” and I’m feeling really good. I’m even wearing a pale grey jumper for work instead of black. 🙂

I fell over today. One minute I was happily walking, the next minute all of my body weight is on one knee. Ouchie. That was at about 3.30. And even though it hurt (lots!), I still went to the gym!!! I had a bit of an internal dialogue, and almost talked myself out of it, but I went 😀 I thought about how I’d feel like I’d let myself down if I didn’t go, and remembered that that kind of thinking can lead to bingey nonsense and sadness. I also decided I’d go for a bit, and even if I didn’t do the usual 40 mins of cardio, I’d do a bit.

Oh, and I know I’m over my syns (for the day that is, I’m fine for the week), but god damn, did I enjoy those biscuits!!!! Loved every one of them and was fine afterwards, no urge to binge or eat more.