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What if?

What if I just ate normally?

Since going back to SW, I have been stuck in a binging cycle, obsessing over food, obsessing over my size and what i can and can’t eat. I don’t have foods I love (healthy ones) because they don’t fit with the plan, and then when I’m “off plan”, I don’t eat them because I’m too busy binging on crap.

By healthy foods I love, I mean things like M+S salad pots, avocado, nuts, pasta and sauces, nakd bars. Things I binge on are: biscuits, bread, hot cross buns, chocolate, crisps, humous.

I met with a friend at the beginning of the week. She’s about a size 10. Her sister is doing WW and my friend’s been getting annoyed at her sister for talking about points etc. all the time. My friend totally doesn’t “get” it – I was trying to explain to her that to her sister, the “normal” way she eats is a complete mystery. My friend said something like “well I move lots [goes to the gym 3 x per week], don’t eat much processed food and eat lots of vegetables”, and she said that she couldn’t eat pizza more than once a week (we were having pizza) because she’d put on weight. I also know she eats two snacks a day at work (from a graze box) and has things like oats so simple for breakfast.

You know what? My brain is so messed up, that at the same time as thinking “wow, she has such a normal relationship with food. i want that more than anything”, I was going “what does she eat? I need to know. I’ll eat the same stuff”.

I don’t even understand what “normal” people eat. What is a reasonable breakfast? What does lunch look like? Are snacks at work normal? Do they have treats? Do they use oil when they cook?

Unfortunately I think reading lots of blogs may have broken my brain a bit. Not that I had a clue before, but I read so many by such very different eaters that i don’t know what is “normal”.

But I guess it’s not about other people. It’s about me. What would be normal for me? And that’s what would keep me full for a few hours, and sane, and happy, and healthy.

I can’t imagine eating without binging. I can’t imagine having one jammy dodger and, knowing that i can eat them whenever I like because dieting is over, put the rest back.

I don’t think i can do SW anymore. Oh shit, my friend is going to be so let down. I don’t know how I’ll tell her. But all I know is I’m miserable at the minute. And i’m 27. I don’t want to be in this ridiculous cycle in 10 years. I don’t want to feel like this when I have kids. I don’t want to pass this shit on to my kids. I don’t want to be secretly binging in the car.

I want…

– To eat one biscuit and put them away

– To have satisfying meals and feel content after them

– To eat normally. Normal amounts of marg on toast, normal attitude to a packet of biscuits, stop eating when full, don’t eat if not hungry

– to think about food less. that would be wonderful. calm, even.

– to not binge. it’s such a destructive and vicious cycle. If I don’t diet, I won’t binge. Imagine that, a life without binging. it’s so tiring, this cycle.

What now?

I don’t know. I’m still mulling this over. I need to re-read intuitive eating, and I’m going to read women food and god. Also Christie’s website, and any others i can find.

I also need to buy a journal so I can write all about moods, hunger levels etc.

The thing is, I’ve never eaten normally. From age 11 I was not eating “normally”. I don’t even know how it looks. This shit is really scary. But the thought of dieting and binging for the rest of my life is probably scarier.

I need to tell my SW friend. But it’s just not that simple. I need to think about what to do.

Wed 9th March

Breakfast:

Chai latte (4+heA)

Snack:

Banana + apple, and a tea with agave (0.5)

Lunch:

M+S super wholefood salad (heB for oil)

Snack:

Fruit salad

Tea:

Baked beans on toast (heB)

4 jammy dodgers (16)

  • Walked 1 way (Seacourt)
  • Yoga (1.5 hrs)
  • Syns: 20.5