Archive for the ‘struggling’ Category


I couldn’t think of another post title.

I wrote this yesterday morning…

OK, new day. Unfortunately I woke up feeling sad and had a bit of a cry in the car this morning. But I just have to get on with it. I have to make this a good week and hope that the scales reward me appropriately. There’s no other option really is there? And I do think I’m a tiny bit smaller. My work trousers feel a bit looser.


Green smoothie – frozen spinach, banana, light soya milk (heA)


Fruit salad


Salad box from covered market (heB x 2 for oil and seeds)


Jacket pot and beans

And I did that, foodwise, until after tea. And I went to the gym after work! And then it went wrong. Chocolate covered marzipan, toast, a crumpet and some homemade muffins from the freezer. Stupid stuff, with lots of margarine. No need for any of it. I felt shit as I ate it and I felt worse after.


Went to the gym this morning, at 8am. And that was good but I’ve been “off plan” all day. Not bingey, but not normal eating. Porridge and one crumpet for breakfast, jacket pot with marg and beans for lunch, 3 slices of toast with jam for tea. Biscuits and tea in between.

I’ve said it before, but exercise is so good for my mental health. Even if my eating doesn’t go according to plan, the gym makes me feel good. Hence my decision to go tomorrow morning. It won’t erase silly food behaviour, but it will make me feel a bit better.

OK, at least this silliness is at the beginning of my slimming world week, which means I can try to make up for it by thursday and hopefully not get super stressed about weigh in.


Sun: gym, green smoothie, baked beans and veggie sausages, fruit ryvitas, brocolli cheez (this sauce), and make something beany for work lunches

Mon: gym, green smoothie, beany something for lunch,  possibly eating out for tea in which case salad, or otherwise beans and veggie sausages

Tue: gym, green smoothie, beany something for lunch, seeing friends after work, something quick for tea like cereal?

I just need to snap out of it, and get back to the mindset I had last week. It felt good, and in control, and normal. I think I am out of the crazy now. It’s TOTM on tuesday so hopefully that won’t knock me off balance too much – I always end up feeling a bit bloaty. I just need to remember how ace 12.4 felt, and how good I’ll feel if I could be that, or even a bit smaller for our holiday in May, and how much easier life is when thursdays aren’t the most stressful day ever, and food isn’t the enemy.


I got weighed

Latte with caramel syrup (heA + 4)



Nakd bar – berry (heB)

20 cashews (heB)

I got weighed. First week in ages of being sensible, went to the gym 4 times, yoga once, stayed within syns, walked lots.

Lost half a pound.

Are you fracking kidding me? Bollocks. I feel pretty cheated actually. And it’s not the best situation, exercise lots, eat well, lose a pathetic amount of weight. I deserve more than that. And the silly thing is, before I got weighed, I was fairly convinced I’d have lost about 2 pounds, and I was feeling good. But then I lost half a pound and now I’m in a right grump. And I binged. I could pretend it was “indulging” but it wasn’t. Eating a vegetable samosa really quickly while driving home and then being paranoid about having samosa breath which might be noticed by your partner? That’s not normal. Then at home, another samosa, humous, pittas, half a small packet of crisps and 6 jammy dodgers. I guess the stuff I had at home could count as indulgence, it was the car which was crazy behaviour.

Ho hum. Onward. I guess I just need to get on with it, and get back on it and not lose the plot any more. I need to go to weigh-in next week knowing I deserve to lose weight. Maybe I’ll try and have 5-8 syns per day.

Here’s a couple of positives:

  • I ate today. Not loads, but some. I’m feeling good about that. Over time I will build up to eating breakfast and lunch (even if it’s cereal and salad), but for the time being, what I had today is huge progress.
  • It was lovely going to SW knowing that I deserved to lose weight. I was nervous while in the queue, but not deep down dreading it.
  • I got into lotus pose at yoga last night. And after yoga I felt amazing. Alive.

Plan for this week:

  • 5-8 syns per day
  • Gym lots, and do yoga at home once
  • Green smoothies for breakfasts
  • Jacket potatoes for tea

It is tough working so hard all week and not being rewarded with weight loss. But no-one said losing weight was easy did they? I just have to keep working at it and not give up.


Here’s what yesterday was like:

  • Usual walk (both ways)
  • Gym – 20 mins cycle, 20 mins cross trainer


Vanilla soya yogurt (4) with a banana




Asda chickpea dal and doves farm low fat cereal bar [heB]




Olives (1)

Oats so simple (heB) with blackstrap molasses (2)

A tangerine

And then it went wrong. The tangerine was rubbish. Hard to peel, lots of white bits, lots of pips, very tough and not juicy. Disappointing. So I wanted something else. (It is worth mentioning that I went to the gym at 8.15pm, on the way home from a friends house, which is why I was just having porridge for tea – it was almost 10pm by the time I was eating.) I considered chickpea dal, and then didn’t have it because I convinced myself I wouldn’t have anything else. Then I ended up back in the kitchen, getting a big bowl of the cereal I’d bought for when my parents visit on Thursday (I don’t buy nice cereal usually because I can’t control myself – this was nature’s path cashew and ginger, gorgeous stuff). Then I had another bowl. And then one more. And you know what? That was a whole box. How ridiculous is that? I didn’t even want the last bowl, or probably even the second one. I felt so full and awful afterwards. Bloated and miserable and pissed off with myself.

But hey. I guess it could have been worse. It was only cereal. Lesson learned. Actually 2 lessons. 1, don’t go to the gym so late and 2, if I do, then I should still cook a proper meal – I could have put veggies in the oven before I got in the shower.

I don’t know how many times I can do this – thinking I’ll eat “light” (i.e. porridge), or not eat at all, and then binge. It’s always the same. I don’t seem to learn. But I have to, don’t i?

I haven’t written about SW on here for a bit. I missed last week because I was ill, and then I can’t go this week because my parents are coming to stay. And to be honest, I know I’ve gained weight so if it wasn’t for letting my friend down, I’d probably not ever go back. I’ve just been gaining weight and being crazy since xmas, I don’t know what’s up with me. I need to get back in control. I’m so worried about going next time.

But at least I have been walking to and from work, and I’ve been to the gym twice now. So I’m still moving! And the gym makes me feel good. I need to think of my health, every day. And think of the effects of bad choices.

So anyway, here’s my plan for tomorrow:



Snack: 20 cashews (heB)


M+S superwholefood salad (5)




Tahini rice and beans from veganyumyum (heB)

Focus on health

I seem to have forgotten about my health again. Not just physical. My mental health in relation to food/self image is in a right mess as a result. I guess the two things are so interlinked that they affect each other so much. I need to be so much more aware of this.

Since xmas I have just not been able to get “back on plan” at all. As soon as I tried, all the old nonsense crept in – binging, obsessing etc. I’ve been going to get weighed each week, and in the first week I gained 1.5, and last week I lost 1. But I’m so far away from where I was before xmas (was 12.3.5, now 12.8), and it makes me sad. I felt good at that weight. Really good. So close to a healthy BMI, so close to 12 stone (not been there for years). I felt “normal” and curvy instead of big and lumpy. I know that 4.5 pounds should be enough to affect me that much but much of it is how I feel about food reflected in how I feel about myself. And lots of the problem is that I eat crap, therefore don’t feel like I’ll ever lose weight, and it makes me feel fat and sad.

At SW this week I was talking to my friend about how the plan is tricky as a vegan. On the outside, it doesn’t look like it should be, but then you realise vegetarians have “free” yogurts and veggie burgers/sausages etc. There’s none of that for me. Maybe one day when I’m at goal I can mess about with it, cheating and seeing if it works, but for now I need to stick to the rules to lose weight. And that means that some yogurt and a couple of veggie sausages, and I’m up to about 10 syns for the day! Then a biscuit and my syns are used up. I wonder if this is what makes me lose it sometimes – if I have 3 biscutis, I’m over my days syns, it’s all gone wrong, why don’t I just eat the whole pack. Madness I know but that is my brain. The solution to this I guess is to make my own veggie burgers etc. more often. I could do this, and freeze them. And humous I could make too, and I could eat loads of it.

On another note, my SW friend has lost over 3 stone. I am happy for her, but I need to not compare or get myself down!

OK enough misery. Plans!

– Back on the green smoothies. When/why did I stop having these? Will experiment with frozen spinach tomorrow, as we have some and that will make them easier to do in the future.

– Lunches at work – homemade salads, tofu scramble, chilli, quinoa, recipes from cookbooks. Beans and lentils. Homemade humous with pitta and veg sticks.

– Snacks at work – nuts, seeds, fruit.

– Drinks at work – redbush tea or camomile. Keep tea with soya and agave as an evening treat at home.

– Teas – get back into cooking properly. Look at cookbooks. Curry, mac and cheese, chilli, pasta with veg, homemade soups, stir frys.

– Evening – Tea with soya and agave, and a nakd bar or soya yogurt.

OK. I just need to get back on it and feel good about myself again. I did an ashtanga yoga class on wednesday (never done it before! ouch) and it was intense and brilliant, but I felt fat and aware of being the biggest person in the room. Yoga shouldn’t be like that. It’s always been something which has brought me peace, so I want my next class to feel good.

In terms of this coming week, tomorrow will be a green smoothie and then I’ve made a seaweed and carrot salad with tahini and sesame seeds for lunch (! copied vaguely from a salad I had from saf a few weeks ago), and I have some smoked tofu. Tea will involve kale and cauliflower. On friday I am going to stay with a friend in scotland. I’ll do what I can to eat healthily then, it should be ok.

My body deserves healthy, good, fresh food. My mind deserves to be happy and content.


Well. I’ve been on a 4 day binge. Why? I don’t know. Bread, cereal, chocolate, crisps. Once I got it in my head that I wasn’t going to bother going to weigh-in on monday, that was it. Downhill spiral.

I seem to have just completed forgotten about my health. About this body, this one body I get for my whole life. That’s the problem with “dieting” I guess – the focus becomes all about numbers on a scale, the size of your trousers. How healthy I feel, how nutritious my food is, how energised I feel by how I fuel my body; it all goes out of the window.

But today is a new day, and I have given myself a bit of a mental slap, and I’m getting my brain back on track. It’s about vitality and health, and part of that is fuelling my body with the right amount of the right foods, and in turn carrying less weight to be overall healthier and happier. It’s not about “starting the diet tomorrow” or stuffing myself with foods I don’t allow myself while “dieting”. I don’t need a diet, I need a healthy life.


  • 3 slices of bread with olive spread
  • 3 homemade double choc cookies
  • 1 dairy free ice cream cone

50 syns?

Tue 2nd Nov



Ryvita minis (heB)

Boiled carrots, asparagus and green beans

Light soya milk in tea x 2 and on cereal (heA)

Agave in tea x 2 (1)

2 nairns oat biscuits (4)

1 elderflower herb drop (0.5)

2 gherkins

Chips and baked beans

2 wheat biscuits (heB)

2 lotus biscuits (3)

Jelly sweet (1)

  • Total syns: 9.5
  • Usual walk (Seacourt)

3pm – Struggled a bit after lunch today. I guess my 100% vegetable lunch didn’t quite hit the mark – probably due to the lack of carbs. I found myself desperately wanting to binge / overeat on sugary “naughty” stuff like chocolate covered marzipan, crisps and biscuits. I knew how easy it would be to throw away today, and have 50 syns, but I also knew how shit I would feel. Also, how proud of myself I’ll be if I get to the end of the day having less than 10 syns. So I bought some nairns biscuits (they come in 2-biscuit portion packs) and had one, along with a lovely cup of tea. All afternoon I resisted the urge to eat more biscuits.

I totally acknowledge that this is because I feel crappy about yesterday’s weigh-in. I was so pleased to be 12.5 1/2, and now I’m 12.9 1/2 and it feels shit. I find myself feeling chunkier and heavier because of the numbers, and actually yesterday before I got weighed I felt alright. I feel like I’ve let myself down.

But you know, I just have to get on with it. Have the best week I can (despite 2 work lunches out at a noodlebar, wed and thur) and have a good result on Monday. I’m not going to try and do no syns, just try to have fewer than the full amount. The fact that I’m not swimming will mean my losses will slow down anyway so if I have a few less syns than usual then hopefully I’ll do ok on Monday. I do feel positive that I can stay on track this week but it feels like a bit of a struggle.

7pm – I am actually sitting here desperately talking myself into NOT binging. There’s bread in the kitchen and i really want some, with olive spread. And biscuits and all kinds of things. But you know what? I’ll feel so shit if I do that. SO SHIT. And if I can overcome this and get through today without doing it, I’ll be so very proud of myself. So I am just going to write some plans for the week here, and keep myself occupied browsing the net and stuff. I’ll be ok!