Archive for the ‘good day’ Category

Tue 8th March

Breakfast:

Tea with agave (0.5), cocoa nakd bar [heB], banana

Snack:

Fruit salad, tea with agave x 2 (1), 5 almonds and 10 cashews (heB)

Lunch:

Bean chilli and an orange

Snack:

Apple, tea with sugar (1)

Tea:

2 wicken fen sausages (5), 1 potato waffle (3.5), baked beans

Snack:

Tea with agave (0.5) and 4 jammie dodgers (16)

  • Usual walk, both ways (Seacourt)
  • Gym – 20 mins cycle and 20 mins cross trainer
  • Syns: 27.5
  • Total syns for the week so far: 84.5

This whole scale rejection thing is quite difficult!! I had a really strong urge to weigh myself this morning! But I know that whatever it said, it would mess me up. And this is day 5 of being “on plan” and I’m feeling really good. I’m even wearing a pale grey jumper for work instead of black. ๐Ÿ™‚

I fell over today. One minute I was happily walking, the next minute all of my body weight is on one knee. Ouchie. That was at about 3.30. And even though it hurt (lots!), I still went to the gym!!! I had a bit of an internal dialogue, and almost talked myself out of it, but I went ๐Ÿ˜€ I thought about how I’d feel like I’d let myself down if I didn’t go, and remembered that that kind of thinking can lead to bingey nonsense and sadness. I also decided I’d go for a bit, and even if I didn’t do the usual 40 mins of cardio, I’d do a bit.

Oh, and I know I’m over my syns (for the day that is, I’m fine for the week), but god damn, did I enjoy those biscuits!!!! Loved every one of them and was fine afterwards, no urge to binge or eat more.

Mon 7th March

Breakfast:

Latte (heA) with sugar (1), homemade carrot and raisin muffin (5) and dorset cereals fruity porridge (heB)

Snack:

Apple and a berry nakd bar [heB]

Lunch:

Leftover bol (3.5 For sundried toms and loyd g sauce)

Snack:

Mango and a tea with agave (0.5)

Later snack (after giving blood):

3 ginger snaps (7.5)

Tea:

Chilli with nooch [heA] and chips

Snack:

Tea with agave (0.5) and a homemade muffin (5)

  • Walked one way (Seacourt)
  • Syns: 23

Went a bit over today. But hey, I did give away almost a pint of blood! And I’m confident I’ll make it up by thursday. Had a wobble with the muffin (ate it quickly in the kitchen and considered having more) but I managed. I’m feeling healthy from eating all of this good food – plenty of beans and veggies. Oh, and when I gave blood, the nurse said my iron levels were “really good” ๐Ÿ˜€

Sun 6th March

Breakfast:

A banana and a homemade carrot-raisin muffin (5), and one tea with agave (0.5)

Lunch:

Roasted cauliflower and 3 frys herb sausages (3), tea with agave (0.5) and fruit ryvitas (heB)

Snack:

Mango

Tea:

Bean chilli and brown rice with nooch [heA]

Snack:

Vanilla soya yogurt (4) with grape nuts (heB), 1 tbsp blackstrap molasses (2)

  • Gym – 20 mins cycle, 20 mins cross trainer
  • Syns: 15

Another good day! Feeling great ๐Ÿ™‚

And we’ve just booked our holiday in May – vegas, sequoias, and san fran!!!

*ETA: Now it’s later on, and I’m sitting here desperately trying not to binge. There’s lots of biscuits around me, and I want to eat them all, say “sod the diet until tomorrow” and over indulge. But I know how shit I’ll feel if I do, and I know why I want to binge – I’m feeling crap about going to work tomorrow. It’s been bothering me all weekend and I don’t want to deal with the crap which is going to happen tomorrow.

* ETA, again…I managed! I had 2 oranges. And now, much though I would like to have some biscuits, it’s just that I want them, and a normal level of self control is required. The desperate binge feeling is gone. It just goes to show, that when I feel bingey, there’s probably a reason for it, which I need to acknowledge. And also that I must must MUST always have fruit in. Because if I hadn’t had any oranges in, I would have eaten something else. I don’t know if I would have had one muffin and used 5 syns, or whether I’d have had bread, cereal, porridge, chocolate, crumpets etc. I don’t know if the 5 syns would have pushed me into “screw it I’ll start tomorrow” territory, or if I would have stopped. But I feel good. I’m at my syn limit for the day and I narrowly avoided a binge. Good stuff!!

Sat 5th March

Breakfast:

Vanilla soya yogurt (4) with vogels ultra bran (heB)

Snack:

Tea with agave (0.5)

Lunch:

Roasted cauliflower and courgette with half a tin of spicy refried beans

Snack:

Mango, tea with agave (0.5), 2 fruit ryvitas (heB)

Tea:

Wholewheat spaghetti, loyd grossman sauce (3) with onion, tinned tomatoes, courgette, sundried tomatoes (0.5), linda mc mince, petit pois and nooch [heA]

Snack:

2 oranges, tea with agave (0.5) and a tbsp blackstrap molasses (2)

  • Gym – 20 mins cycle, 20 mins cross trainer
  • Syns: 10.5

Good day! That’s 2 in a row! And I’m feeling fitter and healthier. The gym is so good for my mental health, I need to remember that. And when I go, it’s fine, and it’s over pretty quickly and I feel great.

Everything is in my control. By making good choices and sticking to my food plans, and by staying in control, I am in control of my mental health and my feelings on a daily basis. If I continue to be sensible, thursday and the days up to it won’t be stressful, they will be normal. It’s all in my hands.

Fri 4th March

Breakfast:

Banana and nakd bar – berry (6)

Snack:

Apple and orange

Lunch:

Salad box from covered market (heB x 2 – seeds and oil)

Tea:

Chips, beans, 3 x frys sausages

Snack:

Tea with agave (0.5), 1 tbsp blackstrap molasses (2)

  • Gym – 20 mins cycle, 20 mins cross trainer
  • Syns: 8.5

syn-free vegan sausages!

OK. Fresh start. Got weighed yesterday, and, having missed 2 weigh-ins, I gained 2 pounds. Which was way better than I thought. It’s a good job I go with my friend, because I might well have jacked the whole thing in by now if I didn’t. I was feeling really fed up with the whole thing, and like it was making me mental too.

But anyway, I’m not going to dwell on that. Ranted about it yesterday with my SW friend so feeling ok now. Looking forward to being in control, not binging, feeling good and losing weight.

The plan is; making exciting food, being organised with food, keeping up with the gym, try to have less than 10 syns per week, keep my sanity, don’t let the week revolve around thursday weigh-ins, and eat on thursdays (yes, current stupid behaviour – i’m going to build it up week by week).

Thur 9th Dec

B: Banana + 20 cashews (heB)

S: 20 cashews (heB)

L: Leftover chilli and quinoa

S: Mango

T: Roast cauliflower and new pots with humous (4)

S: 5 bendicks mint chocolates (10), tea with soya milk (heA) and agave (0.5)

  • Total syns: 14.5
  • Total syns so far this week: 34.5
  • Usual walk (Seacourt)

Really proud of myself today. After eating my mango, I was really hungry. I ended up leaving work later than planned and kept thinking about binging. But I managed to go to the supermarket, come home, roast veggies, and eat them without binging. I didn’t buy anything stupid at the shop at all. On the way to my car after work I was thinking about binging, and I just did lots of thinking; what I would usually have, what it would taste like, how much I would actually enjoy, how I would feel afterwards. I think this thinking process prevented me from doing it. I also thought about how I’d have to deal with it anyway, it would affect the rest of my week and the syns I’d have, as well as my weigh-in on monday. I reminded myself that it would be much much nicer to have some chocolate after tea and enjoy it, instead of eating crisps and then beating myself up for having something sweet after tea.

My crazy brain

So, yesterday I finished reading Portia de Rossi’s book, Unbearable Lightness. I have realised that when I read books like that, much though I find accounts ofย  disordered eating and recovery totally fascinating and helpful, (esp. the epilogue in this case), I also find that they mess up my brain. Same thing happened when I read Dietgirl’s book. I find that so many little phrases, sentences, points, things their mother said, ways they felt about certain things, behaviours they engaged in are reminiscent of how I feel or have done in the past, that it triggers me. Both into binging behaviour (hi crisps and humous on the sofa next to me) but also into thinking about the dieting cycle, intuitive eating, etc.

I totally agree with intuitive eating, and I know that much of my disorded eating now (binging, secret eating, guilt, “good” and “bad” foods, mood affected by scale etc.) is caused by dieting. However, when I tried intuitive eating I felt out of control and miserable. Maybe I didn’t “do” it properly, or allow myself to work through it properly, but all I know is that in August I came to the realisation that I was just as miserable intuitive eating as I was dieting. So I chose to diet, which at least has the bonus of hopfully losing weight. And the diet I chose is not restrictive (“free” foods do not need to be counted at all, there is no calorie counting and portion control is only in terms of treats [syns]), and I will not go back to calorie counting because that is far worse for me. So I chose the lesser of many evils in terms of a plan to follow.

But deep down I really do want to eat intuitively. But my desire to be 11 stone overtakes that. And I’m battling hugely with this at the moment. I know IE ultimately is the goal, and the process will be hard so I am just delaying it. I also know slimming world is making me binge sometimes. What is worse? I don’t know. But I know that now, having lost some weight, I feel better than I did when I was a stone heavier at the beginning of the year. I’m sure I’m also healthier, as SW means I don’t make my chips with lots of olive oil.

So I guess my broad plan is this; lose weight with slimming world. Get to 11 stone. Get there at some point in 2011. Once there, maintain for a bit. At least 6 months, while still going to get weighed. During this time play about with intuitive eating, see how I manage in terms of maintaining, and really try (re-read the book, follow the steps, food mood diary etc.) to do it properly. Realistically I want to try going for babies at the end of 2012 so by that point I want to have maintained for a year.

I’m sure this would seem like a terrible idea to an IE person. I actually had a blog a while ago which chronicled my IE adventure, and had a couple of people read. At one point I felt lost so just tried the idea of meals and snacking at regular intervals so that I could plan what to buy, and not be completely leaving it up to seeing what I felt like (when you work in an office, if you don’t plan a morning snack then you risk lunch being non-intuitive due to overhunger). The post resulted in 2 comments where people told me what a horrible idea it was. I felt like a failure at IE.

This post is just a brain dump, how I’m feeling at the moment. I wish I didn’t feel like this. I wish I was brave enough to fully commit to IE, to probably gaining weight, to lots of hard work and feeling out of control. But at the moment I’m not. Doing SW I think about food quite a bit less than I did before I started it in the summer.

In terms of my weight loss, it’s ace. I’m super happy about it. I feel happier in just jeans and a t-shirt. My stomach feels smaller when I wear a vest top. At work I feel less bumpy. As I get smaller I feel more normal, and average. Less like someone who’d be described as “big” or “curvy” and more just average. If I do find myself comparing myself to others, I feel less miserable than I used to. When family visited a few weeks ago I felt less self conscious when I got comments about my big appetite. Getting dressed isn’t as horrid a process as it was before. Buttons on cardis do up where they didn’t before. Jeans and work trousers are loser. Some things which didn’t fit now do.

I need to do more yoga. It’s good for me mentally. My goals for today (it’s now 1.45pm) are to not eat any more crisps (big bag on the sofa, and I secretly ate a small bag in the car on the way back from the shop), and to do some yoga. That’s all.

I think I might start writing goals for the day. Small achievable ones.