Focus on health

I seem to have forgotten about my health again. Not just physical. My mental health in relation to food/self image is in a right mess as a result. I guess the two things are so interlinked that they affect each other so much. I need to be so much more aware of this.

Since xmas I have just not been able to get “back on plan” at all. As soon as I tried, all the old nonsense crept in – binging, obsessing etc. I’ve been going to get weighed each week, and in the first week I gained 1.5, and last week I lost 1. But I’m so far away from where I was before xmas (was 12.3.5, now 12.8), and it makes me sad. I felt good at that weight. Really good. So close to a healthy BMI, so close to 12 stone (not been there for years). I felt “normal” and curvy instead of big and lumpy. I know that 4.5 pounds should be enough to affect me that much but much of it is how I feel about food reflected in how I feel about myself. And lots of the problem is that I eat crap, therefore don’t feel like I’ll ever lose weight, and it makes me feel fat and sad.

At SW this week I was talking to my friend about how the plan is tricky as a vegan. On the outside, it doesn’t look like it should be, but then you realise vegetarians have “free” yogurts and veggie burgers/sausages etc. There’s none of that for me. Maybe one day when I’m at goal I can mess about with it, cheating and seeing if it works, but for now I need to stick to the rules to lose weight. And that means that some yogurt and a couple of veggie sausages, and I’m up to about 10 syns for the day! Then a biscuit and my syns are used up. I wonder if this is what makes me lose it sometimes – if I have 3 biscutis, I’m over my days syns, it’s all gone wrong, why don’t I just eat the whole pack. Madness I know but that is my brain. The solution to this I guess is to make my own veggie burgers etc. more often. I could do this, and freeze them. And humous I could make too, and I could eat loads of it.

On another note, my SW friend has lost over 3 stone. I am happy for her, but I need to not compare or get myself down!

OK enough misery. Plans!

– Back on the green smoothies. When/why did I stop having these? Will experiment with frozen spinach tomorrow, as we have some and that will make them easier to do in the future.

– Lunches at work – homemade salads, tofu scramble, chilli, quinoa, recipes from cookbooks. Beans and lentils. Homemade humous with pitta and veg sticks.

– Snacks at work – nuts, seeds, fruit.

– Drinks at work – redbush tea or camomile. Keep tea with soya and agave as an evening treat at home.

– Teas – get back into cooking properly. Look at cookbooks. Curry, mac and cheese, chilli, pasta with veg, homemade soups, stir frys.

– Evening – Tea with soya and agave, and a nakd bar or soya yogurt.

OK. I just need to get back on it and feel good about myself again. I did an ashtanga yoga class on wednesday (never done it before! ouch) and it was intense and brilliant, but I felt fat and aware of being the biggest person in the room. Yoga shouldn’t be like that. It’s always been something which has brought me peace, so I want my next class to feel good.

In terms of this coming week, tomorrow will be a green smoothie and then I’ve made a seaweed and carrot salad with tahini and sesame seeds for lunch (! copied vaguely from a salad I had from saf a few weeks ago), and I have some smoked tofu. Tea will involve kale and cauliflower. On friday I am going to stay with a friend in scotland. I’ll do what I can to eat healthily then, it should be ok.

My body deserves healthy, good, fresh food. My mind deserves to be happy and content.

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