My crazy brain

So, yesterday I finished reading Portia de Rossi’s book, Unbearable Lightness. I have realised that when I read books like that, much though I find accounts of  disordered eating and recovery totally fascinating and helpful, (esp. the epilogue in this case), I also find that they mess up my brain. Same thing happened when I read Dietgirl’s book. I find that so many little phrases, sentences, points, things their mother said, ways they felt about certain things, behaviours they engaged in are reminiscent of how I feel or have done in the past, that it triggers me. Both into binging behaviour (hi crisps and humous on the sofa next to me) but also into thinking about the dieting cycle, intuitive eating, etc.

I totally agree with intuitive eating, and I know that much of my disorded eating now (binging, secret eating, guilt, “good” and “bad” foods, mood affected by scale etc.) is caused by dieting. However, when I tried intuitive eating I felt out of control and miserable. Maybe I didn’t “do” it properly, or allow myself to work through it properly, but all I know is that in August I came to the realisation that I was just as miserable intuitive eating as I was dieting. So I chose to diet, which at least has the bonus of hopfully losing weight. And the diet I chose is not restrictive (“free” foods do not need to be counted at all, there is no calorie counting and portion control is only in terms of treats [syns]), and I will not go back to calorie counting because that is far worse for me. So I chose the lesser of many evils in terms of a plan to follow.

But deep down I really do want to eat intuitively. But my desire to be 11 stone overtakes that. And I’m battling hugely with this at the moment. I know IE ultimately is the goal, and the process will be hard so I am just delaying it. I also know slimming world is making me binge sometimes. What is worse? I don’t know. But I know that now, having lost some weight, I feel better than I did when I was a stone heavier at the beginning of the year. I’m sure I’m also healthier, as SW means I don’t make my chips with lots of olive oil.

So I guess my broad plan is this; lose weight with slimming world. Get to 11 stone. Get there at some point in 2011. Once there, maintain for a bit. At least 6 months, while still going to get weighed. During this time play about with intuitive eating, see how I manage in terms of maintaining, and really try (re-read the book, follow the steps, food mood diary etc.) to do it properly. Realistically I want to try going for babies at the end of 2012 so by that point I want to have maintained for a year.

I’m sure this would seem like a terrible idea to an IE person. I actually had a blog a while ago which chronicled my IE adventure, and had a couple of people read. At one point I felt lost so just tried the idea of meals and snacking at regular intervals so that I could plan what to buy, and not be completely leaving it up to seeing what I felt like (when you work in an office, if you don’t plan a morning snack then you risk lunch being non-intuitive due to overhunger). The post resulted in 2 comments where people told me what a horrible idea it was. I felt like a failure at IE.

This post is just a brain dump, how I’m feeling at the moment. I wish I didn’t feel like this. I wish I was brave enough to fully commit to IE, to probably gaining weight, to lots of hard work and feeling out of control. But at the moment I’m not. Doing SW I think about food quite a bit less than I did before I started it in the summer.

In terms of my weight loss, it’s ace. I’m super happy about it. I feel happier in just jeans and a t-shirt. My stomach feels smaller when I wear a vest top. At work I feel less bumpy. As I get smaller I feel more normal, and average. Less like someone who’d be described as “big” or “curvy” and more just average. If I do find myself comparing myself to others, I feel less miserable than I used to. When family visited a few weeks ago I felt less self conscious when I got comments about my big appetite. Getting dressed isn’t as horrid a process as it was before. Buttons on cardis do up where they didn’t before. Jeans and work trousers are loser. Some things which didn’t fit now do.

I need to do more yoga. It’s good for me mentally. My goals for today (it’s now 1.45pm) are to not eat any more crisps (big bag on the sofa, and I secretly ate a small bag in the car on the way back from the shop), and to do some yoga. That’s all.

I think I might start writing goals for the day. Small achievable ones.


2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by thebettylife on November 14, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    Good luck with your weight loss goals 🙂 Betty x


  2. I teach intuitive eating and it is such a long process to get there and many people get lost along the way. When you are ready, you will take what you learned last time to help. Most of my clients say it feels worse long before it gets better and the dieting thoughts and even actions do not go away but lessen over time. Best of luck on your journey.


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